Friday, January 25, 2013


I'm not sure what has happened to me. Somewhere in the last year, I have become comfortable. To the point  where I don't want to move. I'm not up for anything new or beyond my control. What has happened?
This once adventurous gal, ready for anything, stands still, crippled by fear.

Only a couple years ago I jumped out of a plane with a thin canopy preventing me from plunging to my death. My death! Would I do it again today? Right now. Nope not a chance.
Not that long ago I stood in front of a few hundred people and sang into a microphone confident as anything. Today crippled with fear. Excuses, excuses but all the while knowing the real reason is fear.

Only last year my husband and I dreamed of waiting for the kids to turn 18 so  we can embark on our world trip. Alone just the two of us with our life savings, seeing the world. Today, I cannot fathom it. Why would I want to  leave the safest place on earth, Godzone, and embark on the unknown.

Stuck in the same job I have done more or less for the 10 years...too afraid to try some new in case I don't like it. Driving the same car for the last 9 years, too afraid to buy a new one in case it is a lemon. No new challenges set for he year. Nothing really exciting to look forward to, just living. Surviving.

Whats that you say?  a trip to Christchurch. But...that's on a the South Island...Earthquake zone. Whats that you say? meeting new people, for a conference, in a town I don't know?
This control freak is afraid.
Worried even.
Why? I don't know. And I don't like it. This is not me? I'm not a whimp. Where is this coming from?
Stupid fear. You are NOT going to hold me back.
I'm going to go, just to throw it in your face. I'm going to show you that you don't get to control who or what I can do. Whats more, I'm going to have fun. Yeah...I'll show you!

And for great measure, I'm going to dream again. Dream that my life is more than this. More than just surviving the day.

I will not live vicariously through my kids encouraging them to face their fears, all the while hiding behind mine.

My life will be more than working to have possessions, but about getting out there and experiencing all that life has to offer.

I will not sit here seeing the world through the eyes of my friends on the internet, but I will see them myself with my own eyes.

Yeah Fear.  Take that. 
I'm ready to JUMP again.

{For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.}2 Timothy 1:7


Sima J said...

Go you good thing!

PaisleyJade said...

Oh you rock!!! So love this - and I'll be there to hold your hand if you get scared ;)

Love what you said about encouraging our kids to face their fears while hiding behind ours - so true!

You are my hero!!!

Anonymous said...

You are amazing!

I got chills hearing that fierce woman within you reclaiming her former territory!


Clare said...

Stake that ground, Jacksta. This in an awesome post that I know will speak to many. Go you!

Leonie said...

you go girl.
A bit nervous about shaky Chch too...and yeah, I know!

Sammy said...

Yay Christchurch! Will be so awesome to see you xxx ( you can do it xx)

Miriam said...

whoop!!!!! So you are coming! So exciting. Yeah I have to say I can be way too comfortable with my life too much to risk throwing it all down but you know what I need to.

SO glad you are coming, SO glad. (we are friendly too - super friendly and some of us are a little bit crazy too!!)


Meghan at MNM's said...

I meant to tell you I'd read this when we met up on Friday and in the excitement of seeing you totally forgot. Love your honesty but more than that your desire to kick fear's butt - it's too easy to just let it eat us up inside. Thanks for the reminder to reassess where in my life I'm letting fear rule the roost and in what areas I need to tell it go take a flying leap!